I have been useful this morning. I fixed my exhausted husband french toast, fried apples and ham for breakfast when he returned home from work. It was yummy. It was the second gift I had to give him today. The first was greeting him with hugs and kisses to let him know how glad I was to see him, to have him home and in my arms safely and securely, and that I had wanted him there the long, lonely night. For my whole life I have always felt someone else's grass was a little greener than mine. I have been dis satisfied in my deep down core. I have been looking, and searching, and somehow always longing. Now everything that I want and need to be happy is in my very lap. I don't have to look at all. This happiness comes from a spouse who is my equal in all ways, and what I give abundantly is given back abundantly. The more I have to give, the more is given to me. So for the first time I have balance and peace. I smile at everything.
This morning David and I ate breakfast looking out the patio door across the beautiful yard that is an important part of our home. Our dog Sophie brought ceremoniously home an ancient, tattered piece of long, black, furry hide she found somewhere in her sunrise travels. I did not worry about germs or parasites so much because David and I took a trip to the vet together yesterday and paid good money to protect this silly girl of ours from fleas, heart worms and intestinal parasites. Sophie glided regally across the deck, tail high, head in the air, horrific black fur thing in her mouth, and was as proud as a living thing could be of her discovery. David's beautiful blue eyes found mine, and in the understated way of his I find so damn funny, he simply said, " I hope you don't kiss that dog," and I burst out in peels of laughter.
Zoe, the Blue Healer who had wandered over from the neighbors, paid homage to Sophie's brilliant hound dog sniffing power by taking about three seconds to stand in mute adoration of the find, then Zoe came to the door for a biscuit and to check on me. David sat at the table munching on apples and french toast, sipping his creamy coffee, observing my exchange withZoe, saying nothing while I welcomed our little visitor. I think before I arrived in his life, David might have gruffly directed someone to get that dog out of his house. Today he is open to the interaction and receives the love that seems to come from all directions around us. It is good.
Zoe checks out Sophie's dog food and water bowl, inspecting them, leaving them respectfully alone. Zoe's whole body wags as she thumps her tail, nudging me for some gentle caresses on her back and a little massage, knows they will come, accepts a biscuit which is offered with as much pageantry as I can muster for her, and humbly exits to the deck, where Sophie stands confident guard over her treasured fur piece and surveys her country domain.
I have a place where good country dogs feel at home and loved, and are as much a part of life as the breeze that blows across this stretch of Ohio River Valley farm land, coming and going on a happy whim. This afternoon I know the preacher's black lab will meet me on the front porch, beside herself with joy as I pet her and make much of her sweetness. Such is my society now, such is my peace, such is the stuff my happiness with my husband is made. For seasoning I add a phone call to my loving parents, a Facebook note to old, loving friends, a glance or two from my husband's blue eyes that tell me better than any words that he loves me and wants me, and my life is complete. This feels right. I hope for a phone call or message from my children. If my grown children want me, if they call to include me in their lives, it is delicious gravy. But I no longer need their attention or approval or involvement to feel whole. This makes stability just that much more possible and permanent for me. If the kids will wander into my life like the gentle dogs and the country breeze, through a door that provides happy welcome, then that is their freedom and their gift, and one they share with me.
Kisses, fried apples, a welcomed greeting, a special glance, the touch of a hand, a clean bathroom, friendly, unassuming animals: I need look no further for heaven than what is in my lap. I have it all. It is love.
No comments:
Post a Comment