What Love Is

I received the following advice from a well-intentioned friend who believes I need to get on with my life and put my former husband of 30 years behind me. She sounds like a lot of women who have given me advice...even Christian women. Perhaps this is why I feel uncomfortable going to church. Churches are full of the worst hypocrites in the world. I am using her specific words because she texted them to me, and I simply copied and pasted them into my blog. But the quote is not uniquely hers. She is speaking the attitudes and perceptions of most of the women I know, and they are wrong.

The words: "Honey, I said it before, & I'll say it again: As long as you still love Greg, divorced or not, he still has power over you. Please, please, please find someone to help you get past it. I know it's not easy -- the heart is fickle, & it does whatever the fuck it wants to. I know this. But I also know you can move on. If YOU want to. You're absolutely right about love -- what an amazing gift we've been given! & what a horrible curse it can be! Now, I believe, it's your choice to make it a gift or a curse. Not without help, of course, but part of it has to be your choice too."

Please don't think this statement from my friend sounds reasonable...that I need help to wrestle power back from my ex-husband. I don't need or want this kind of help. Here's why: I see myself and my role in this world very differently.  It would be so easy to be like  women who just snap their fingers and walk away...to say to my husband, "Screw you!" But I can't. It is not inside of me to do it. But I'm not weak. I am strong. I do not fight for power because it doesn't exist; not in my world.

Love has nothing to do with power and it is never, as some believe, a horrible curse. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." That's straight from Apostle Paul's letter to the Corinthians. The message has everything to do with truth, acceptance, forgiveness and joy. Power struggles and horrible curses? They do not come from God; only love does. It's not, "As long as I love him he has power over me;" it's,"Until I FORGIVE him, Greg has power over me." Until I forgive myself, any failure, weakness, alcohol, addiction have power over me; evil controls my soul. Forgiveness is the only way to let go. Forgiveness demonstrates a love of others AND love for self, but especially a love of God. It's what He wants.

I am forgiving. It's a process, a long one; to hope for more, and sooner, faster is unrealistic. Forgiving and healing happens one day at a time; one moment at a time. This way of living is the most important gift I can give to my children. I may be the only person in the world through whom Greg and my children will ever see how much God loves him and them. Loving in this capacity means total forgiveness and release--for him and for me. Loving in this capacity makes power insignificant.

I pray for Greg's happiness, for his soul, for his pilgrim journey on earth. I pray I can release him from the expectations I had of him that he did not or could not fulfill. Because his choices have taken him from me does not mean I love him less. It means I learn to accept letting him go. I may never understand why; it's not important. I am in the hands of God whom I trust. What is important is that I am obedient to the letting go, and that I do it with a grateful heart. I can continue to love Greg exactly as I promised God I would on our wedding day. I will never break that promise, and I can remain true to my commitment--to Greg, and to God. Ultimately the decisions I make reflect on me and answer the question, "Who am I? " When I answer that for myself, I give myself the ultimate power. No one else can give it to me, and no one can take it away.

It's been too long since I've said this, but I love you Gregory Midkiff, with all of my heart, forever. And I let you go. I love you, Mister. It will all be OK. It really is OK. And so am I.